When Do You Ask A Guy If Things Are Serious?
Geplaatst op 18-02-2025
Categorie: Lifestyle
Question: I’ve been single for about 5 years; mostly by choice, partially by circumstance, and I decided that as of the new year I was ready to get back out into the dating scene. My objective is to be in a monogamous/long-term relationship, that would lead to marriage. But I don’t lead with that, I’m okay with the process, and prefer to take things slowly. I’m open to stepping out of my comfort zone, and have met some decent guys. I get a lot of dates, but I’m finding that the men that I’m interested in investing time in, usually fizzle out; things start off strong and I think we’re on the same page, only to have them ghost me. Currently, I’m seeing someone that I feel could lead into something genuine. We both agreed that it’s not a fwb, but we aren’t official; he asked that we only exclusively be intimate with each other (I agreed). We spend quite a bit of time together; random days, planned dates, and have even spent weekends together. Our conversations are deep and he’s even wanted to introduce me to his family (I declined the first 2 times he asked, but eventually agreed). Things are going nicely, except that after our most recent weekend together, he’s been communicating less (phone and text). I sent him a text just asking if things were okay and he did respond (he said he’d had a stressful day and would call me after work, never did, very unlike him to say he’d do something and not). After a similar exchange the following day, I ended up calling that night to ask why he was so hot/cold, and if he’d prefer if we take a breather (maybe things were moving quicker than either expected). Honestly, I just wanted him to answer why he was putting me on the back burner all of a sudden, but we ended up letting our emotions get the best of us, and ended the call abruptly. My thing is, we mutually agreed on taking things slow/friends first, but he expressed that he’s catching feelings but is now acting “different”. I’m not looking to rush into anything, and am okay with no titles, but I don’t want to waste my time. What are my next steps? Do I carry on as normal, have “the talk”, or just keep it moving? We’ve been communicating for about 3 months.
Age: 33
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First things first: if a man or woman asks you to be monogamous, then the very next thing out of your mouth should be, “So I assume that means neither of us will be dating anyone else?” That this guy asked you not to sleep with anyone else really bothers me, as it doesn’t sound like he really promised anything in return. He’d dictating how the relationship unfolds while you’re sitting there wondering what the hell is going on. It’s one thing to be easy going. It’s entirely another to be a doormat. You’re so afraid of scaring this guy off that you’re going along with whatever he says and just waiting for him to figure out what he wants.
Uh, hello? What do you want?
My objective is to be in a monogamous/long-term relationship, that would lead to marriage. But I don’t lead with that, I’m okay with the process, and prefer to take things slowly. I’m open to stepping out of my comfort zone, and have met some decent guys.I get a lot of dates, but I’m finding that the men that I’m interested in investing time in, usually fizzle out; things start off strong and I think we’re on the same page, only to have them ghost me.
Yes, and that’s happening again with this guy. Why? Because you’re letting it happen by being too passive. By the third or fourth date you need to be making it clear to these men that you’re looking for something with the potential to go long-term. These guys will happily drag relationships out knowing they don’t see long-term potential. That’s likely what’s happening here. You’re dating men who aren’t in it for the long haul and know it but aren’t letting you in on the secret. You’re going along to get along – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing – but you’re doing the very thing you say you wish to avoid: wasting your time.
You don’t have to lead with your expectations. In fact, I advise against discussing them for the first few dates. Figure out whether or not you think there’s potential for long-term compatibility first. I emphasize potential because it takes a very long time to determine true compatibility. Once you and a guy have gotten to know each other bit, then tell him what you’re looking for. If he hems and haws or talks around the subject, cut your losses. If he ghosts, well, you have your answer. Definitely do not broach this topic right before you sleep together for the first time. Many guys in that situation will say anything to get laid or that will not blow their chances of eventually getting laid. It’s also not fair to do that to a guy. It’s kind of manipulative. Don’t use sex as a bartering chip.
It’s been three months with this guy. That’s plenty of time to justifiably ask him what’s up. You need to be clear and direct with him. “It’s been three months, I find myself developing real feelings for you, and I want to be sure we’re on the same page before we take this any further. I’m looking for XYZ. If you don’t think there’s real potential for that, then tell me.”
Stop leaving it up to these men and take control.